Hysterical

Normally I do not post twice in one day - but I just received this in my email. I needed the laugh, it is funny. Have a great Friday everyone!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's nohope for you. This is an actual account asrelayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, The reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comesaround. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa FePlaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who wasvisiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Ihappened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking fordirections to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chiliwouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have freebeer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whowanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beerwhen they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslike I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Getme more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced fromall of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fishor other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but wasunable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, thebeer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Womanis starting to look HOT... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Ischili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Mustadmit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead andI can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind meneeded paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her thather chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleedingby pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burningmy lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me tostop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled withgaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'mworried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to standbehind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on cannedpeppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worriedabout
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, whichslid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not toobold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mildnor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.