His own cross

I normally wouldn't do this because it is lengthy, but reading a meditation book this weekend, I came across one that hit pretty hard and close to home. I know many of us have our own crosses to bear and this is for all of those who are thinking another's cross is better... This is an excerpt from August 29 from the book "Streams in the Desert"

"The Changed Cross" is a poem that tells of a weary woman who thought that the cross she must bear surely was heavier than those of other people, so she wished she could choose another person's instead. When she went to sleep, she dreamed she was taken to a place where there were many different crosses from which to choose. There were various shapes and sizes, but the most beautiful one was covered with jewels and gold. "This I could wear with comfort" she said. So she picked it up, but her weak body staggered beneath its weight. The jewels and gold were beautiful, yet they were much too heavy for her to carry.

The next cross she noticed was quite lovely, with beautiful flowers entwined around its sculptured form. Surely this was the one for her. She lifted it, but beneath the flowers were large thorns that pierced and tore her skin.

Finally she came to a plain cross without jewels or any carvings and with only a few words of love inscribed on it. When she picked it up, it proved to be better than all the rest, and the easiest to carry. And as she looked at it, she noticed it was bathed in a radiance that fell from heaven. Then she recognized it as her own old cross. She had found it once again, and it was the best of all, and the lightest for her.

You see, God knows best what cross we need to bear, and we never know how heavy someone else's cross may be. We envy someone who is rich, with a cross of gold adorned with jewels, but we do not know how heavy it is. We look at someone whose life seems so easy and who carries a cross covered with flowers. Yet if we could actually test all the crosses we think are lighter than ours, we would never find one better suited for us than our own.

If you, with impatience, give up your cross,

You will not find it in this world again'

Nor in another, but here and here alone

Is given for you to suffer for God's sake.

In the next world we may more perfectly

Love Him and serve him, praise Him,

Grow nearer and nearer to Him with delight.

But then we will not anymore

Be called to suffer, which is our assignment here.

Can you not suffer, then, one hour or two?

If He should call you from your cross today,

Saying "It is finished-that hard cross of yours

From which you pray for deliverance,"

Do you not think that some emotion of regret

Would overcome you? You would say,

"So soon? Let me go back and suffer yet awhile

More patiently. I have not yet praised God."

So whenever it comes, that summons we are look for,

It will seem soon, too soon. Let us take heed in life

That God may now be glorified in us.

Ugo Bassi's Sermon in a Hospital

Miss and Love you Dad!

Much love to all,

Notre Dame Bound...

His roommate TylerGift from his Godparents

here are some pictures of Notre Dame when Jen and Bill went and dropped Casey off. They said it went well - and that Casey has been real excited this week and is really enjoying himself. I hope so - I hope he gets all he can out of college, especially the one he has always dreamed of going to.

I envy him to be young again, no money worries, work problems, just living the dream of being a college kid and putting your parents in debt (LOL)....oh to be that person again...

Tonight the Bengals are at home, not that they'll be any good this year or they might. I remember going to a couple of games with dad - we always enjoyed ourselves and it would never fail if we were tailgating he would always find someone he knew as we were walking into the game or just walking around. It is a WHOLE different world down there, but I always have a great time - I would go just for the tailgating, I can skip paying $8 a beer inside.

So here is to a win - hopefully!

Miss and love you dad,

Much love to all,

I talked

to dad today, actually a lot tonight. Just asking for advice on some decisions I need to make and what direction to go towards. It was actually a good talk and I felt much better afterwards. It is funny how one can be so afraid to talk to someone because they may hurt their feelings or may not like what that person has to say but in reality what do you have to loose.

If that person loves you even though they may be mad at first but should come around and want to talk about it - you would think. We as a family never really talked "deep" stuff until recently. Well probably since dad was diagnosed. some of us have been talking to each other more and not just about the weather and it makes you realize no matter what happens in your life, or whatever choices you make or whatever has happened, even if your family doesn't agree with it they will always be there by your side. And that is a wonderful, blessed gift to have in one's life.

It is funny how "talking" comes easy to some and so difficult for others - I never thought of dad as much as a deep talker, mom yes, dad was more about the kids and the weather and of course golf, but "deep, deep talk" not really. We had some deep conversations he and I did while at the hospital towards the end and I loved them and I cherish them each day. I think I get it from him not much of a "deep talker", more of a deep writer. I can write forever and ever but to come face to face with someone and have deep conversations its hard sometimes to do, but I am working on it.

I love and miss you dad.

Much love to all,

Calgon take me....

far, far away. Have you ever had those days where it is just go, go, and then the phone is ringing the same time you are trying to get one to sleep and while you are trying to get one to sleep the other one is teething. Aw man, just one of those crazy nights. Actually been having alot of them lately.

I just always feel tense and stress and not as happy as I want to be, as I can be. I know we choose our happiness and we choose to be happy and for the most part I am, but I am not happy in the way I use to be. Maybe it's missing dad, maybe it's just part of life right now, who knows. I am working on it though. Trying to have a positive attitude because life could be worse right?

Just one of those calgon days -

I love and miss you dad!

Much love to all,

Sorry

sorry for not posting since Thursday. It was just a crazy hectic weekend. Brayden's first week of school went well, he survived. It is hard to get him to go to bed though with it still being light out at 8:00 - so it is always a struggle. But the good thing with having to get both boys up early to get to school and to the sitters they are both wiped out by 8:30.

Friday night was Uncle Dave's first Texas Hold Em Poker tournament - I posted a picture at the bottom - Jason won - Jeremy said it was a good time. According to him Uncle Dave is going to have them like the 2nd Friday of the 2nd month of when the sun and the moon eclipse LOL. Jeremy just said he was having another one and it was this big speel about when he was having one. I'll definitely put reminders up about it to get more people to play.

Saturday was Brayden's first big boy soccer game. He had to move up this year to 8 and under and so now he has to play the whole big field, with a real ref and rules. He ran for about 2minutes and looked over at me and was like Really are you serious :). He said he really enjoyed it though - so as long as he likes it, he'll keep playing.

I haven't talked to Jen since Friday but I know she said she was having a hard time, not only having to say goodbye to Casey but being up there so soon since dad passed away. The last time we were there it was our spiritual journey with dad and it is going to be hard to go back.

Mom is doing well. She is going to start going to plays with some of dad's sisters and Aunt Carol. They get a series of tickets and go to the plays and dinner - so she'll really enjoy that. So that is good. She says work is going "okay" trying to get back into the swing of things and having a new boss and learning how she does things is challenging but she made it a week - she said she'll try to stick it out. I know she needs to keep busy so it's good that she is there.

Sean and Lisa bought a house in Edgewood and they close on the selling of their house and close on the buying of their house this week. So they have been pretty busy with moving and having Wil and Lisa starting a new job at Gateway - it's been kind of crazy for them.

Just one of those weekends where I really missed dad - I miss him all of the time 24/7 but some days the feeling is a little bit stronger and this was one of those weekends. Maybe because I ran into people who I hadn't seen in a while and we talked about it.

Still just taking it day by day - that is all you can do right?

I miss and love you dad!

Much love to all,

Here is the picture of the Big Winner

Let Yourself

Let yourself enjoy life, right now. Let yourself find fulfillment in whatever you're doing.
Allow joy to flow easily and naturally through you. Let it come, let it go, and let more arrive to take its place.

Transcend the difficulties by releasing your thoughts of how difficult they are. Simply live your way through them, moment by moment, growing and building value all the time.
Allow life's beauty and pleasure to envelop you. Hold no guilt or worry about what should have been or what might be.

Let yourself think and act in the moment, unafraid and not at all intimidated. Let yourself discover how astonishingly effective you can be.

Don't put life off until later or think you can run away from it. In this moment, and always, let yourself live.
-- Ralph Marston

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This was sent to me by my best friend - it is so true - just let yourself live.

Miss and love you dad.

Much love to all,

1 Year

one year ago yesterday (calendar date) Steve's dad passed away. It is hard to believe it's been a year already. What is even harder to believe is that we both lost our fathers within a year. What are the chances. I know Bob and Theresa went thru the same thing with losing both of their fathers just this past year. I guess this was the year of taking all of the good men. God must of needed a lot of work up there :)....

Steve's dad had passed away from cancer too and it also took him quickly. Diagnosed in April, passing away in August. This cancer - it isn't fun and it doesn't really give you much time - I guess enough time to spend time with your loved one and say what you want to say but in reality there is never enough time to say goodbye to anyone, especially the ones you love. You just can't imagine your life without them. It's been a year!

On a lighter note, today was the first day of school. I am posting some pictures I took of Brayden this morning. Notice it is still dark outside - he starts at 7:25 so we are up by 6:15 - crazy huh. I took my camera to school and was taking pictures and he finally said, mom enough :)... I wonder if he'll let me take them when he is in 8th grade sitting at his desk. LOL.....

Tomorrow is the big day for Jen and Bill and Casey - it is going to be a hard weekend for them. They are Notre Dame bound in the morning and have student/parent orientation all weekend. I know they are taking it hard - saying good bye especially to your first born. He is a great kid though, he is going to do very well in life. My thoughts are with them and wish them the best of luck. I know it is hard going back up there considering the last time we were up there was with dad. It will be hard for me when I go up in November, so I am sure it is hard for them. But best of luck!!!!!

Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all,

Meeting the teachers

it's about to begin, for some it already has, but for others we have one more day to go and then it will be the beginning of school - yeah! We went and met Brayden's teacher tonight she seems really nice. I saw Becky in the parking lot, I know Thomas her oldest is going to kindergarten, so I am sure will be running into each other.

It was signing up for cafeteria duty, getting gym uniforms, making sure he has the right uniform, turning in some supplies and getting the list of new supplies needed. I loved the first day of school. It was always exciting to get new books, new supplies and meet new people. It was like a new beginning. You could of been a little brat when you left the year before and now you can start over and be that little angel :).... I just always liked school.. I miss the excitement of it.

Kali's baptism went well. It was very nice , but sad in missing dad. But I know there is always going to be that void from now on when we do things. Yesterday it was last Sunday before school started fun day - took Brayden and Logan putt-putt and then go karting and then swimming. We had to go up to Eastgate because there are no good putt-putts around here. If there is I haven't found one.

I'll post some pictures up soon of the baptism.

Miss and love you dad,

Much love to all

Busy Weekend

whew - it's going to be a busy weekend. It started last night with a happy hour for Casey with our family and Bill's family, which in all reality is like our extended family also. Jen and Bill have been married for so long and then with both of our families playing softball together a few years back, it's just like one big family! But Casey is leaving Thursday for Notre Dame, so it's a weekend of spending as much time with him as we can - I am sure he is thrilled. I know it's going to be hard on Jen and Bill especially, letting their first child fly the coop - and they'll miss him as will everyone else. It will be a strange thing to get use to.

Today, is baby Kali's baptism - Jeremy and Mindy's little girl. She is so beautiful - I can't wait to see her all dressed up - I'll take lots of pictures. But that is tonight - never been to a Saturday baptism, but Father Joe said we could do it after the 5:00mass so that is what we are doing and then going to dinner at mom's.

And tomorrow I am going to do something special with the boys, especially Brayden. Probably putt-putt or something - it is his last weekend before school starts. Can you believe it! Summer is already over - with everything that has happened and the weather I haven't been able to really spend that much time with the boys - I just can't believe school is here already. I am sure mom can't either.

She decided to go back to work to see how it goes. It will be good for her to do something. She was saying the other day she needed to take up a hobby. She said if it was dad that was left here he would be fine because he always has his golf and he would be golfing everyday. So that is our goal, to find her something to do - a club to join or something to keep her busy.

So enjoy the last weekend before school starts - time flies by so fast - before you know it I will be sending Brayden away to college :(....

Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all

Tears

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of Weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the Messengers of overwhelming grief, and of unspeakable love.

So the tears continue to flow....

Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all,

After Glow

I'd like the memory of me

to be a happy one.

I'd like to leave an afterglow

of smiles when life is done.

I'd like to leave an echo

whispering softly down the ways.

Of happy times and laughing times

and bright and sunny days.

I'd like the tears of those who grieve

to dry before the sun

Of happy memories that I leave

when life is done.

Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all.

Sunday

another Sunday dinner. It is funny I had someone asked me this week if we were all still going to get together on Sundays for dinner and I said oh yes definitely. We will never give them up especially now. She said she was completely jealous of it because her family doesn't get together and they don't talk that much either. But for us, it is just the norm I suppose.

It was commented tonight that I needed to "cheer" up the blog and my response was, well it's going to be hard to do with the holidays coming up and we all know how hard that is going to be and everyone was like well yep you are right. I'll do my best though to make it cheery and not so down all of the time. I guess talking from my heart it just seems to be gloomy a bit more.

Found this on a card today and I just loved it:

"Those who have shown us love, brought us joy and made us laugh have given us the lasting gifts of a beautiful life - and blessed our memories forever."

Dad blessed us - he blessed each and everyone whose life he had touched or came across.

Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all,

Survived

well, I survived my first week of being back to work. It was good and bad in that I missed my kids and the drive stinks, but the people are really nice (so far) so we will see how it goes. I did have some crying moments this week. The one day when I was going to lunch I took a wrong turn and where I ended up was on the other side of the VA hospital - so of course I started crying.

I actually called mom that night to see how she was doing and I told her about my little episode of crying and she said she has had a rough week too. I think it is just something that comes and goes you know. One minute you are fine and then the next minute you may be angry and then you just break down and cry. I just feel so bad in leaving mom alone especially at night. I am sure she doesn't want us all moving back home but I don't know, I just feel bad leaving her alone.

Summer is finally here - it is hot and going to be a hot weekend. I hope everyone stays cool and hydrated - drink lots of water :)

On a side note: I know I posted two of these pictures before but as we were going throught pictures at mom and dad's I found this one of Casey and I at his kindergarten graduation. I just thought it was kind of cool that we had that picture, along with my graduation picture, and his graduation picture. Kind of neat!











Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all,

Bible Passage

When I opened the Bible tonight I came to this passage - I didn't look for anything - I just opened up the Bible and this was there:

Lamentations 3:20-26
I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness.
His mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him"
The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

It is kind of ironic on how some nights he just tells me what I need to hear, what I need to be reminded of.

I Love and Miss you dad!

Much love to all,

Month

wow! can you believe it's been a month already since dad passed away. i can't believe it. i still have a hard time knowing he is really gone. I know we all get busy in our lives and our own families but there is a minute of the day that doesn't go by that I don't think of him.

I actually cried today on the way to work a little in that where I work is like 10minutes from the VA hospital and it just reminds me every day the trips he and mom and I would take up there - the good trips and the bad trips - I am so grateful that I had that time with him and the talks we had during that time. oh I miss him so much every day -I talk to him everyday and I have a picture of him and I together on my dresser that I kiss goodnight and kiss good morning every day - I know that may sound corny but it helps me - guess I am kind of strange. But when I do that I can feel him hugging me back telling me he loves me and telling me to have a good day.

I am still trying to find that perfect place to go - I just wanna go somewhere for a night or two and be in solitude - no phones, no tv, no kids, not even a husband - just me - it has been a long year with three deaths and just a lot of stress - I don't know if that is wrong and selfish of me for wanting to do that or if it's okay - I feel guilty either way I suppose.

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We get a newsletter from Knights of Columbus the organization that dad and all of the boys belong to. This month there was a nice article in it about dad and it sums up to the men down there and to us what type of man he was.

On Tuesday July 7, 2009 Bill Timmerding joined the Kehoe council up above. As long as Bill was a member of Father Kehoe Council, he was very active. From dealing Poker and Black Jack at the Festivals and Night at the Races to cooking in the council kitchen he was always there. He was the ultimate Frying Knight because he was always frying at the fry's and he single-handily convinced the Knights that we needed to upgrade our Fried Fish. He started the Beer Batter on our Fish, Mushrooms, Onion Rings and Shrimp. Bill started making the macaroni homemade which increased the quantity enabling us to serve a larger portion. Our council lost not only a great Knight, but more importantly, we all lost a very good and dedicated friend. He is truly missed.

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On a side note all five of us kids would trace down there at least one Friday during Lent to have dad's meal and let me tell you there wasn't one healthy thing about eating all that fried stuff: the fried fish, mushrooms, onion rings - BUT it tasted so good that we didn't care, of course until we got home and you could just feel all of that grease oh just sitting there in your stomach. But I'll tell you - he did make the best fish around and that isn't a bias statement from his daughter :)

I love and miss you dad!

Much love to all,

1st Day

oh it was the first day of my new journey as a working mommy. whew I am beat, this working full time is going to take some getting use to. but I am not complaining. So far I like the new job, of course it has only been a day but the people seem nice, the drive isn't so nice.

So we'll see how day two goes tomorrow.

I agree with Aunt Toni in that it seemed like alot more people were there this year than in year's past. I like to think that with the family losing both Uncle Wally and dad this year that we have all just taken a step back and have really started to appreciate our families, even the extended family a bit more. I know I have and I do not take any moment I have with my boys, mom, my brothers/sisters and their families - if I have learned anything this year is that life is so short and it is your family that will get you through anything -

It also seemed to me anyway, a lot more hugs and kisses were given out yesterday - which I know for me was great to see and I hope that with the passing of Uncle Wally and dad that is has been learned to not to be afraid to show or tell the ones that you love, that you do love them. Because they may not be here tomorrow.

And yes Aunt Toni, that is my dish, I'll pick it up at the Poker party - I am going to crash it :)

Miss and love you dad.

Much love to all,

Bitter sweet

oh, today was one of those bitter sweet days. it was the annual pool party at Uncle Dave's. all day I was fine in getting ready for it, baking the brownies, getting the bags packed and the food ready. after i sat in the car and was driving out there I started crying. it was the "first" thing without dad, it was the first pool party without him. he loved the pool party and trying to beat everyone in the horseshoe or cornhole tournament. it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I know this is how it will be for the first year - the "firsts" of many things to come especially since we are going into the holiday season. as I know it is going to be a tough couple of months but I know we are strong and we will get through it. it was so good to see so many people out today. a few we haven't seen in a while, the kids said the water wasn't cold it was just cold getting out but thank you Uncle Sean and Uncle Jeremy for taking the boys in so mommy didn't have to get cold :)

I was glad I went - even though it was bitter sweet - I wouldn't want to be anywhere else today.

Thank you Uncle Dave and Aunt Toni!

On another note - it is a new beginning for me tomorrow. After two years and one year actively looking for a job I start a new job tomorrow - I have really mixed emotions about it. I love to work and to be out there with adults, but I am going to miss my time with my boys - Brayden is taking it a little bit harder than I thought he would, he is the one making me feel guilty. Unfortunately we haven't won the lottery yet and fortunately we are sending Brayden to a Catholic school - so mamma has to work. It is just going to get some getting use to since I haven't worked in almost two years.

It is ironic in a way - dad had always known I was looking for a job and I would tell him about the different interviews I had gone on. I was offered this job on June 26th and was suppose to start on July 6th - a day before dad passed away. But after that Thursday I knew dad wasn't going to make it another two weeks, so this company was kind enough to let me push my start date back until tomorrow. But dad knew I was offered a job and he knew how much I needed to work so I feel like there was a part of him that knew it was okay for him to leave in knowing that I was going to be able to take care of myself and the boys. Just pretty mixed emotions right now about it - I want to work, but I want to spend time with my boys and be there for them. It's the same guilt that all mothers go through and will always go through - oh well! I'll be fine, it is just another journey in our lives.

Miss and love you dad!!! - it wasn't the same without you this year :)

Much love to all,

What is Heaven

I read a book the other night to Brayden called "What is Heaven" by Maria Schriver -he is a confused six-year old and wondering why both of his grandpa's aren't around anymore. Steve's dad passed away almost a year ago on August 19th and dad almost a month ago. It is hard for a 6 year to comprehend the reality of life and how sometimes it just isn't fair.

Anyway in the book the girl was talking about her favorite memories with her grandmother. As I was reading Brayden said to me, you know mom what I remember about Grandpa Ray - how he would always give me donuts. And then he continued on you know what I remember about Grandpa Bill - how we had our own secrety funny hand shake.

Of course the tears came and I just told Brayden to always remember the good stuff and remember that both Grandpas loved him very much - and that he was going to teach Logan the secret hand shake. Brayden said but mom what if I don't remember. I said don't worry, Grandpa has been doing that same hand shake since I was a little girl - I'll help you.

He then asked me what I thought Heaven was. I told him I thought it was a beautiful place with pretty trees and flowers and waterfalls and it was always sunny. That no one was ever in pain or was hurting and that everyone loved everyone. And it was just a peaceful place and that you were with God and God takes care of everyone. I described to him what dad described to me towards the end when we were saying our goodbyes. He kept telling me he saw this most beautiful place in the world, the colors were so rich and it was so peaceful.

The other night when it was storming really bad lightning and thundering Brayden asked me why it does that. I said because both of your Grandpas are up there bowling and everytime they get a strike it thunders. And when they win their game the lightning comes because it is a big celebration kind of like fireworks. After about ten minutes he says - wow mom they must be really winning up their tonight :).... I love the innocence of a child -it is one of the most beautiful things in the world to be able to see things through the eyes of the children.

Have a great and beautiful Saturday. Hope to see many of you at the pool party tomorrow!

Miss and love you dad!

Much love to all,