To live without anxiety

That was the sermon tonight in church. To live your life without anxiety or worry, it's pretty impossible but Father had a point in basically saying one can only worry and you can only have so much anxiety, you will eventually have to turn it over to the Lord and let him handle it.

Sean was on my case the other night because I told him I was furious with God and he told me I didn't have any right to and I argued it's not that I lost faith or I don't believe in him, it's just that I was angry and mad at him and I was just being honest. I just went through losing Steve's father no more than 4months ago and now we are going through all of this with dad and with Uncle Wally and it is just so much to deal with, so yes I yelled at God and was furious with him.

I no longer blame God, I may not be 100% happy about the situation but I don't blame him. I am on my way to finding peace with him, it is just going to take a bit of time. Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

I sat with mom and dad at church tonight and afterwards dad said he felt fine this morning. I was a little worried because he drank 3 beers last night and he said they were going down good. And he said he felt fine, and I laughed and I said uh oh that means you have a green light and you can continue and he just laughed. I know he had some visitors today which was good and he loves to have people come over. We are all going over for the annual Super Bowl party where we just eat a bunch of junk and drink, but then again I guess it's no different than any other Sunday :)

Much love to all,

Dealing

Yesterday as we all know was a horrible day for us. The five of us kids had a meeting last night and it wasn't to plan anything it was just for the five of us to sit down and talk and cry and say how unfair all of this is. And it was easier for me to have us all together than to make five phone calls since I was the one at the doctor with them. So we cried and drank and laughed and cried some more and laughed and even though this sucks and we all know how unfair it is, we still know and believe that there is a reason for everything. We may not know what that is at the moment, but there is a reason.

Like dad said yesterday " God puts on this earth and he is the one who decides how much time he wants us here and I suppose my time is up." I admire dad and for how he is handling this, he is so strong and maybe it is a front for us and maybe he breaks down when it is just him and mom, but whatever the case the way he is handling it with us and with everyone is just remarkable. I so truly admire him.

There are going to be easy days and hard days. Today Amy and I have been at mom and dad's since 12:30 to just spend the day and go sled riding and he is probably sick of us. I want to be able to give him space but I also want to be selfish and spend as much time with him as possible without being annoying. But today is a good day. He is on his medicine and he is going to try to have a beer he says. He had a drink last night and he said it didn't taste good. He said tonight he will make it taste good!

You know we are blessed with such a wonderful family and with friends and the outpour of phone calls and offers is truly amazing and I just want to take the time to say THANK YOU to everyone and I know we will all get through it, together.

So we each deal in our own way, whether its tears or laughter or being angry or having a drink or two or three or four (:)) or throwing things or just hiding in a closet and crying uncontrollably for a half hour, whatever the case and however one may do with it, it is good to deal with it and to be able to accept it and say okay it is what it is, lets make the most of it and not waste anytime!....

The results..

The results are that dad has advanced pancreatic cancer and his two spots on his liver are cancerous too. It is an aggressive cancer and he will be starting on chemotherapy next Thursday. They will do chemo three weeks in a row, take a week off, then again three weeks in a row and take a week off. After two rounds of chemo they will do scans again to see if the tumors have shrunk at all and to see if the chemo is helping at all. They did give him some new medicine for the pain which is good so he will be more comfortable and not feel so bad. The chemo he is taking the only side effect he will have according to the doctor is fautigue and tiredness, but he shouldn't feel nausea and he shouldn't loose his hair, but it may thin a little bit.

We are all staying positive and keeping our hopes up and dad being dad is being his smart ass self. He told mom God was waiting for him up in heaven with two smart blondes so mom says well I'll just dye my hair blonde and then dad says , I said smart dear :).....

So he has been like that all day and mom is just giving him that look like shut the hell up! But all we ask from everyone is prayers, positive thoughts and if you know of any good jokes send them our way - because we want laughter not pity!

Much love to all

It's a snow day - it reminded me of last year when we had the real bad snow storm and no one was suppose to be out driving. I had just had Logan and hear this running motor sound and I looked outside and I saw dad with the snowblower doing our driveway and sidewalks. Mom said he was bored. My neighbors tried to pay him to do theirs even with beer they thought we had hired him. He said no this is my daughter's house and he had to do 3 others (Amy lives too far :) ) . So he played with his toy and went around to all of our houses and took care of the snow.

So tomorrow is the day! 9:00am - hope is still in the air, it is all around.

Matthew 6:34
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Much love,

Small world

I took Logan to the doctor today for his one year check up and the nurse preceded to ask me if our family history has changed. I told her unfortunately yes and went on to explain how we just lost my father- in- law in August to bladder cancer and how my dad was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and how his brother was diagnosed with liver cancer. She looks up at me and asks me my maiden name and I tell her and she says "Oh my goodness" I have been praying for them. She went on to tell me that on the prayer list at St.Agnes there were two brothers on there who were just diagnosed with cancer on the same day last name Timmerding!!

What are the chances. Dad always said do not talk about anyone to anyone because somehow they'll find out because Northern Kentucky is so small. And in a way that is a good thing, because it is a tight knit community and when you need it the most the love and support is out there.

Be careful in the ice storm, stay safe and warm and enjoy your families!

Much love,

Good day....

Dad had a good day today. Mom said the mornings are the hardest for him and by nights he is okay. It is probably because by the end of the day all the pain medicine has kicked in :) But he is good and is in great spirits. So we keep on praying. He goes to the doctor's on Thursday and they are running blood tests. Nothing was said about doing a body scan yet so hopefully they will schedule that next week. We assume he will need one, but you know what happens when you "assume" something :)

I know Gary and Brian left for Florida to go help finish Uncle Wally's bathroom, so they can get the house ready to sell. Hopefully they will be up soon and stay up here!

On a side note, one of my best friends' from high school has been battling breast cancer for almost a year now, she had a hysterectomy in January along with her last treatment. She had to go in today for emergency surgery due to a side effect from the hysterectomy - just please say a quick prayer for her. She is my age and has two little ones and is going through a lot.

Is it going to snow or is it not going to snow? Dad loves for it to snow, he gets to play with his toy: the snow blower :)

Love to all!

Laughter...

I walked into my mom and dad's last night and dad says "Happy Birthday" and I said dad it isn't my birthday. He said no but on your birthday we have to go see the oncologists. I said gee thanks for the great gift! So we have an appointment for next Thursday the 29th at 9:00am with the oncologists. I am relieved that we just have to wait a week and not another two or three to get in there but also scared to death to hear what he has to say.

So the night continued on, Jeremy showed up, Jen and Bill were there and the kids and we were just talking and having some adult beverages :) and we were talking about how fast word travels and how mom said she needs a secretary with all of the calls coming in. Jen said just think though the more people that know the more prayers you will get. And so here is dad's story: He said he had a dream last night. Him and God were sitting on the back porch drinking some beers and had a calculator. We asked him what the calculator was for? Dad said him and God were adding up all the prayers he was getting, he said the Baptists were kicking the Catholics asses and that we all needed to start praying harder :) :)......

It was funny the way he told it and it was good to laugh. We know this is serious but yet at times we laugh about it and dad will make comments "Well I won't have to worry about that I won't be here in 6months" - It is very difficult to hear those words but we don't want dad to see that we are scared to death and we know he is but for us and our family, laughter seems to be the best medicine and it is how we cope.

To end here is another funny thing dad said: He said he put in his will that when he dies that mom has to get married within 6months or she has to go into a home :).......Inside joke for us, I suppose many of you won't find it funny!

On another update: Uncle Wally and Aunt Bernie are suppose to be coming home soon for at least a week or two and hopefully they will be able to find a house so they will be able to stay up here. He needs to be home with his family and for his kids/grandkids... being around family is good for the soul and good for the heart, it makes you realize the love that everyone has for you and it heals you - Come home!!!

Much love to all and laugh today especially with your loved ones -if dad can laugh, we all can!

Family

It's weird. At Christmas time at our big family Christmas party, I was talking to some of my cousins and we were all commenting how there is such longevity in my dad's family. All of his brothers and sisters are still alive and they all look wonderful and live on their own and are enjoying live and then yesterday we get the news that two of them have cancer. I guess we shouldn't talk about things huh.

But our immediate family has come to terms with it and now we are ready to fight it. Dad is in good spirits and is just ready to get the ball rolling. I'll tell you though, news travels fast, whether it is good or bad, boy does it travel :)......

Being part of such a wonderful big family is very helpful in times of need, you have all the prayers and support you could ever need and it just makes you feel so grateful to have everyone of them in your life. We are truly, truly blessed!

Cancer - x's 2

Cancer - it is cancer, so now what. Well we wait again. For the oncologists to call and set up an appointment, and then we go from there. We all knew it was going to be cancer but I know at least for me there was a little bit of hope that it wasn't. Dad is in good spirits and is ready to fight it, he is just tired of the waiting around. As he says, he has golf to make sure he is ready for :)

Cancer x's 2 - my uncle Wally, (Dad's brother) just found out today also that he has inoperable tumor on his liver. What are the chances that two brothers find out on the same day that they both have cancer. What are the chances of that??? Really, anyone?????????

So our family journey begins.....

And still waiting.....

You will hear something by Tuesday the doctor says.... Tuesday came and went and nothing. Mom and dad did not call the doctor. Even though dad is eager to get this going and find out what it is and even though we all have in the back of our mind it is cancer and that we are going into a battle, mom and dad didn't want to make that call to hear it from the doctor. They'll call us, mom says.....

So we continue to wait and agonize and not sleep or eat and wonder...... wonder what is coming

Dodging Questions...

Last night we had a baby shower for my sister-in-law who is due in about a month - this will make #9 for the grandkids. But we were surrounded by family and dad was there and everyone is concerned and worried but I could tell how myself, my two sisters and my mom were dodging the topic of dad. Aunts and cousins would come up and ask about him and we would say with a smile on our face, he is fine, just waiting for the results but he is going to be fine. Knowing the whole time I was saying that, I could hear in my head what the doctor had said, 70%-80% it is cancer! But I continued with a smile to say he is fine, just waiting.

I think it helped us in a way to have the shower and just for one night forget about what may happen this week, actually in a day or two. Our lives could change forever. I started reading the Bible again, just for answers and just because I need him on my side and I need him to help me through life right now, especially now but I came across a passage in Matthew:

Matthew 11: 28-30
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary, and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humbld gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light. "

Everything we do is in God's hand - and all I can do is hand it over to him for it is will that will be done, whether we like it or not. So I continue to wait.... wait for answers..... wait for dad's pain to go away..... wait for God's will to be done.

Still waiting

Okay - the last two days have been sooo long. The days always seem longer when you are waiting to hear something you probably don't want to hear. Everyone's lives are in limbo right now and there is a lot of talk of "what ifs". I know that dad is a fighter and he has a lot to fight for, two more grandkids on the way, the oldest grandson graduating high school, the five of us, mom and his family and he just loves life. He isn't ready, we need him here. It is hard to hear dad talk about fighting and so much to live for in the sense that you never want immortality to even be brought up. Sure we joked about, but being hit with it in reality, well it is not a joke.

So we continue to wait and pray...

The day time stood still....

Have you ever had to make a call you didn't want to make? Or have you ever received a call that you wish you would of just had to go to voice mail? I made such a call yesterday to my sister. Our dad had a biopsy done and we all knew in the back of our mind what it could be but none of us would say anything because we don't want to have to deal with that nasty "c" word. The doctor said the official results won't be in until next week but I am 70-80% sure it is "cancer". The time stood still.......

I debated on whether to call my sister or not and I thought I would want to know even if I was at work and I would be mad if she or any of my other siblings didn't call me. I just happened to have been there along with mom and my other sister. For a moment all we could do is drill the doctor with questions, we wanted answers now, we wanted dad out of pain, we wanted it to be cured and him to go back to his old self. Of course our dad being the man he is, asked if we could give him some Miller Light through the IV :)

So here we are waiting for the official results, waiting for time to stop standing still, waiting once again on doctors and their schedules. And waiting for our family's journey to begin.