Bitter sweet

oh, today was one of those bitter sweet days. it was the annual pool party at Uncle Dave's. all day I was fine in getting ready for it, baking the brownies, getting the bags packed and the food ready. after i sat in the car and was driving out there I started crying. it was the "first" thing without dad, it was the first pool party without him. he loved the pool party and trying to beat everyone in the horseshoe or cornhole tournament. it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I know this is how it will be for the first year - the "firsts" of many things to come especially since we are going into the holiday season. as I know it is going to be a tough couple of months but I know we are strong and we will get through it. it was so good to see so many people out today. a few we haven't seen in a while, the kids said the water wasn't cold it was just cold getting out but thank you Uncle Sean and Uncle Jeremy for taking the boys in so mommy didn't have to get cold :)

I was glad I went - even though it was bitter sweet - I wouldn't want to be anywhere else today.

Thank you Uncle Dave and Aunt Toni!

On another note - it is a new beginning for me tomorrow. After two years and one year actively looking for a job I start a new job tomorrow - I have really mixed emotions about it. I love to work and to be out there with adults, but I am going to miss my time with my boys - Brayden is taking it a little bit harder than I thought he would, he is the one making me feel guilty. Unfortunately we haven't won the lottery yet and fortunately we are sending Brayden to a Catholic school - so mamma has to work. It is just going to get some getting use to since I haven't worked in almost two years.

It is ironic in a way - dad had always known I was looking for a job and I would tell him about the different interviews I had gone on. I was offered this job on June 26th and was suppose to start on July 6th - a day before dad passed away. But after that Thursday I knew dad wasn't going to make it another two weeks, so this company was kind enough to let me push my start date back until tomorrow. But dad knew I was offered a job and he knew how much I needed to work so I feel like there was a part of him that knew it was okay for him to leave in knowing that I was going to be able to take care of myself and the boys. Just pretty mixed emotions right now about it - I want to work, but I want to spend time with my boys and be there for them. It's the same guilt that all mothers go through and will always go through - oh well! I'll be fine, it is just another journey in our lives.

Miss and love you dad!!! - it wasn't the same without you this year :)

Much love to all,