If

If I only knew it was going to be our last holiday together as a family
I would have taken more pictures of you with the kids, with the grandkids, with mom.

If any of us knew it was the last time the eight brothers and sisters would be together,
More memories would have been shared, more laughter and tighter hugs would have been given.

If I only knew that the call on New Year’s Eve was going to be the start of it all,
I would have never answered the phone.

If I only knew that those two fateful days in January would bring the news that we didn’t want to hear.
It is cancer and you only have a short time, I would have stayed in bed and skipped those days.

If I only knew that you were in so much pain, if any of us really knew,
We would have taken it away from you.

If I only knew at the time how blessed I was to be able to take you to and from the doctor’s, to be there
Each week with you and mom, I wouldn’t have been so down and worried for being unemployed.

If I only knew how much you didn’t like getting your pictures taken towards the end, I would have put
The camera away, instead I clicked and clicked for posterity, for the kids, and for me.

If I only knew that you didn’t have the luxury of taste, I wouldn’t have yelled at you so much to eat.

If you only knew how strong I tried to be every single day to not let you see me cry or break down, I needed
To be strong, I needed to keep your spirits strong; mom and I both did as we sat in our waiting chairs, wondering if the chemo was working, wondering if this was the last week we would be coming to the hospital.

If you only knew that every time the phone rang, we jumped – is this “the call”, has he left us already.

If you only knew that the trip to South Bend was not only the beginning of your journey home but for me
It was the beginning of my journey too.

If I only knew what to say at the end to make you feel comfortable I would have said it a million times.

If you only knew how hard and heart wrenching it was for us that fateful Thursday night sitting on your bed, saying our final goodbyes, being there for the final blessing – gut wrenching, heart breaking, a pain that I do not wish upon my worst enemy.

If you only knew though what a blessing we all truly felt in being able to say goodbye – as hard as it was and still is, not many people are blessed with that, with the gift of time, the gift of family.

If you only knew how blessed we felt in able to sit with you, to hold your hand, to tell you we love you, to tell you goodbye.

If you only knew how wonderful your brothers and sisters and friends were that last week of your life.

If you only knew how the five of us felt truly blessed and get chills thinking about that week and to be a part of it all – was in itself a miracle.

If you only knew how none of us wanted to say good bye but we knew it was your time to go – we knew you needed to be at peace.

If you only knew how hard those words are to say, “It is okay dad, you can go”

If you only could see the mass, oh the beautiful mass, the Knights and their swords, the music, the readings, the offertory by your grandchildren and the people, all the people that were there.

If you only could the see the celebration of life – the stories, the memories, the tears and the laughter,

If you only could have seen the people that we haven’t seen in many, many years that came to tell a story and grab a cold one.

If you only knew that no matter what we have promised to keep the family together, to keep the Sunday dinners.

If you could only see the boys trying to do all the things you had done, it takes two of them compared to one of you :)

If you only know how we all strive to be half the person you were and to be able to touch so many lives.

If you only knew how saying goodbye to you has been one of the hardest things any of us had to deal with and we are still not able to let go.

If you only knew how much you are loved and how much you are missed – Merry Christmas Dad