The side effects..

Oh what a day! I went and saw dad today and I was the first one there - I didn't get there until about noon - everyone had gone to church and did different things - as I was driving up I felt horrible that dad had been by himself all morning, but I had called Jeremy and he said that dad had been sleeping when he talked to him earlier so it was good for him to get some rest. When I got there he was dozing in and out and I could tell he wasn't with it - too much medicine can you take you to a whole other place and I knew he was there and not really here - you know.

So I gave him a kiss and hug and just started talking to him and he sat up and I looked at him and he was crying - big tears and I kept asking him if he was in pain, he said no and he said he didn't know why he was crying and I just kept telling him it was a side effect of all the medicine, being stuck in a hospital for two days, not being able to be by a window so you never know if it is night or day, not sleeping - many reasons, and he just kept crying and then he started saying "I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be a burden to mom and to you kids" and as he was saying this and I was biting my tongue from crying I just kept reassuring him that he was fine - you are physically fine dad, just this cancer, and you are upset and depressed because you are stuck in this place for days, won't see a doctor until tomorrow, you are so tired and drugged up that you are in a whole different world right now - you are fine.

He was fine after about 10minutes and I think it was that he finally snapped out of the "drug coma" or la la land that he was in and he was okay. I had to leave the room for a moment and catch my breath - that was so difficult to go through. We have noticed that dad isn't his normal flirty self this time around and I know there are a lot of factors to that - so hopefully when he sees the doctors tomorrow and starts getting some answers he will come back. Being stuck in a hospital for a weekend is no fun because there is no one working, so you are just waiting until Monday comes around to get answers. By the time I had left the hospital, he was up and talking normal and feeling great. I don't even know if he remembers that episode he had with me or not - I know he doesn't remember Jen calling him in the morning because he was in that La La Land.

But tomorrow is another day - tomorrow we will get answers and have tests run and hopefully he will be able to come home by Tuesday. I will keep everyone updated as we find out what is going on.

Much love to all,